I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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