life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize