I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
