i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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