need another drink. this is the easiest way
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
