a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Dick very happy bro
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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