I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
