dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
