Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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