Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
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He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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