i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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