Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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