Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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