I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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