i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
