I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
