boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
