This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You left your phone here
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