I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
