I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
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Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
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If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
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