Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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