He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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