remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
