I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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