even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
