What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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