i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
