So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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