Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
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No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
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Why can't burritos get me drunk
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
why is half of my head shaved?
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