my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
