And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
