okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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