I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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