There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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