I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
