My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
