what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
