My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
