Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
