dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
