you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
