grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
