he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
