she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
