Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
