Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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