i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied