Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
did you just send me my own nude
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
