Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
