My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
