I wish I could teleport
You smell like stripper and shame
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My dick has a subreddit
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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