I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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