Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
