imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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