if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
