i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
