my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
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I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
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I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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