areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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