Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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