11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
